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| Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch (VIN) |
On the scale of what is most important to us, the Shidduch crisis may not rate being at the top of the list. On the other hand if you are a young person that wants to get married and haven’t been successful doing so after dating many people, then it will surely be at the top of your list.
The apparently large numbers of young people in this category affects people well beyond the young people themselves and their immediate family. It affects the entire large and fast growing Charedi community. (Chasidim not included. Their Shidduch system is not suffering from that because of their unique dating system which would not work in the non Chasidic Yeshiva world. All of which is beyond the scope of this post.)
This is not the first time I’m addressing this issue. But in light of a recent event in the Charedi world where this ‘crisis’ seems to be most acute, it bears repeating. From VIN::
A delegation of leading American Roshei Yeshiva have traveled to Israel to consult with Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch shlit”a about the Shidduch Crisis, according to Charedi media outlets.
According to the report, the group is considering a dramatic move – shortening the amount of years boys learn in yeshiva before they begin dating.
hey are reportedly considering eliminating one year of high school or bais medrash, which would hopefully decrease the infamous “age gap”, by encouraging boys to begin dating sooner.
This dramatic move would appear to be a strong endorsement of the “age gap theory”, which posits that the main reason for the Shidduch Crisis is that there are more girls in the dating pool than boys, due to population growth each year, combined with the fact that older boys tend to date younger girls.
The controversial ‘age-gap’ theory may or may not be the cause - or part of the cause - of this problem. Reasonable people can disagree about that. But lowering the age of marriage by a year is not the best solution. I don’t think it is a good idea at all considering the increased divorce rate among Orthodox Jewry of all stripes. Including Charedim. The last thing that should be done is change the system in ways that increase the odds of getting divorced.
This is of course not to say that there are not mature young people that can indeed have very successful marriage even if they do get married very young. But it should not be a policy. Simple common sense dictates that in most cases the younger one is when they get married the less mature they are. That is not solving a crisis. It is creating a new one. Point being that every individual is unique. And their level of maturity should be judged individually.
So what should be done to solve this so called crisis? This question was asked of Rav Hershel Schachter a couple of moths ago when he was a scholar in residence here in a local Chicago Shul. I was out of town but was told about it by a respected Rav who was there when that question was asked. Rav Schachter thought about it for a moment and said something like the following:
I don’t know but when I was dating – along with many other Bachurim (young single marriage age boys) we would meet girls on our own - at weddings and such.. A lot of very fine people - some of whom are Roshei Yeshiva got married that way and have had happy marriages for many decades.
This is very true. Even though I am a bit younger than Rav Schachter, I had the same type of dating experience. As did most of my friends. Although Shadchanim did exist, they were not the only option. In some cases they were an option of last resort. This was true not only in the MO/Centrist world. It was true in the Charedi world too - albeit to a lesser extent. Charedim were more inclined to use a Shadchan
Today, it is practically unheard in the Charedi world to find a suitable marriage partner on one’s own. It is considered an inappropriate way of meeting a potential marriage partner. If someone dare to try and to do that, they will very likely be ostracized by the Charedi world. In other words, doing it that way is simply not ‘Frum enough’. Or worse.
No Shadchan would be willing to suggest a Shidduch for anyone that is so ‘Prust’ (Jewishly undignified). How dare he approach a girl on his own! No dignified Jewish girl would ever consider a boy that tired to meet her that way.
That means that young people today are at the mercy of Shadchanim. Whose lists are often very long.
The idea that the Cahredi world considers itself ‘Frummer’ these days – by having these ‘higher standards’ is absurd in the extreme. I Can’t tell you how many times I have heard a diehard Charedi agree about past dating customs but explaining that ‘our religious standards are much higher now’. What was kosher then is no longer Kosher.
That is ridiculous. We are not holier than previous generations. We are less holy by virtue of ‘Niskatnu HaDoros. Each generation removed from he events at Sinai are smaller in stature than the previous generation. And we are supposed to think we are Frummer?!
I have suggested options like this many times. Every time I do it gets shot down by Charedim that refuse to recognize its value – citing thee more enhanced spirituality by which Charedi Jews live nowadays.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: If there is a Shidduch crisis, it is one of our own making by virtue of the Frumkiet chase. Which in my view is doing a lot more harm that good. Even though the well intentioned Charedi rabbis that came up with this solution - don’t realize it.
The sooner they realize it, the sooner things will turn around. My guess is that in pursuit of ever increasing Frumkeit, nothing will change and things will only get worse.