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| Making kiddush at a shabbos table |
Those of us that are observant believe in the existence of a soul and believe that there is an afterlife where the soul ascends to (or descends to – as the case may be). We believe in a heaven and hell. We believe that the ultimate reward for doing the will of God is not in this world but in the next. And by contrast deliberately defying the will of God will result with our soul descending to hell.
That is why that term is used. We want to save the souls of those that have gone OTD and are now deliberately defying God - in Whom they no longer believe. At least not in any legitimately Jewish way.
The problem with that is many of those that have gone OTD don’t even believe in a soul. Or heaven. Or hell. Or any kind of afterlife. How they came to those beliefs is beyond the scope of this post. The point here is that trying to convince someone to be observant because you want to save their soul won’t get you very far if the person you whose soul you are trying to save doesn’t believe in any of that. They will find it quite annoying if you even try.
There is a Facebook group called Frum/OTD Dialogue where a participant actually asked members that have gone OTD how they feel about people that try to save their souls. I anticipated what the response would mostly be. They are indeed annoyed by people who try to do that. Most people that have gone OTD have given the subject a lot of thought and have made their life decisions. They have heard it all before and just want to be left alone.
People that have been involved deeply in outreach have told me that reaching out to Jews that have never experienced observant Judaism is infinitely easier than it is reaching out to Jews that were once observant and no longer are. It is very unlikely to sell people on something they have tried and rejected.
This is why I don’t like the term ‘saving souls’. On the other hand I hate even more the fact that good people with good values have gone OTD. As someone that does believe in the soul and an afterlife, I would love to see Jews that went OTD - come back. Difficult though it may be to accomplish that.
There is not a doubt in my mind that such a task is worth pursuing. No matter how small the chance of success. It does happen. There are Jews that have gone OTD and have returned. However, if the success rate is so small, is it worth the massive investment in time and effort it requires – knowing that success is unlikely? It can be pretty frustrating putting in all that time and effort - and never to see your goals come to fruition. But still, in my humble opinion, it is still worth doing.
If we do anything at all what is it exactly that we should be doing in that regard?
A few thoughts come to mind. A lot depends on why someone went OTD. Did they do it because of negative experiences in the religious world? Such as sexual abuse and perhaps worse - the way it was mishandled? Was it a dysfunctional family situation? Was it a negative school experience – that left one falling through the cracks? …or worse a physically or mentally abusive teacher? Was it bullying by peers?
Was it simply a desire to free oneself from the strictures of an observant lifestyle – noticing how the rest of the world lives and wanting to do the same? Was it simply a matter of wanting to imbibe in all the world has to offer, some of which is forbidden in Jewish law?
Or was it all intellectual where upon encountering thought systems that challenged your belief system - it caused you to abandon those beliefs after finding no satisfactory answers to those challenges?
I don’t think that these issues are necessarily divided neatly into their own compartments. I believe that one thing might in fact lead to another and result in going OTD for a combination of reasons – ultimately finding those intellectual challenges and adopting them as a more reasonable truth in their mind than the one they were raised with.
This is why in my view why it is so rare for those that have gone OTD to find their way back to observance. They have probably thought a lot more about why they have left than those that are trying to get the to come back.
What to do...
These people are our brothers and sisters. They should never be abandoned. If you are observant and know anyone that has gone OTD, I believe the best thing to do is engage with them in non judgmental friendship. To be yourself and treat them with the same respect you would treat observant Jews… with the same respect you would have them treat you. And NEVER preach!
Yes, there is a soul. But that should not be what you are selling. You should instead be selling yourself and your observant lifestyle as the most positive way to live. Take Shabbos for example. Observing Shabbos has real life benefits. When I describe what a Shabbos is like to a non Jew who asks me about it – the almost universal reaction is one of near jealousy! Being a role model works. It reminds those who were turned off of observance - for whatever reason - about the positive side of it.
I realize that this is not a guarantee of success. It is probably a lot more likely that it will not change much – if anything at all. But there is nothing lost in being a positive role model for an observant lifestyle. At the very least you will not be chasing anyone further away.
There are a lot of very nice people in the world that have gone OTD. Many of them have gotten married and have beautiful families. Developing a friendship with them regardless of the outcome can result in close lifelong friendships. And if they return in any way to any level observance - that’s gravy. Both for them and for you. Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh BaZeh. What have you got to lose?