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| Ex- President George H. W. Bush and actress Heather Lind |
Sexual abuse, sexual molestation, sexual harassment… are they all the same? Should they be treated the same way by society? Does it make any difference whether the victim is a child or an adult?
Clearly all of the above are wrong. But I don’t think they are the same. The only question is to what degree of severity each of them are - and how we should react to them when they happen.
Sexual abuse is one area about which all there is (or at least should be) universal agreement. It is a crime that can and often does result in lifelong mental anguish in survivors. In worst case scenarios it can cause clinical depression, self medication (drugs and alcohol), and even suicide. The same thing is true about sexual molestation.
When a survivor of abuse or molestation is a child from the Torah observant Jewish community it can also cause them to stop observing Halacha and go OTD (Off the Derech). This usually happens when a survivor is mistreated by his community after revealing his abuse.
Mistreatment is often in the form of inappropriate reactions. Which can range from disbelief… to accusing the survivor of lying (in effect victimizing him a second time)… to siding with the accused whose reputation is ‘impeccable’ and therefore is incapable of it… to telling a survivor not to tell anyone for fear of ruining Shidduch chances for the rest of the family… to avoiding therapy so no one will find out… to refusing to report it to the police… or even minimizing the impact and telling them to just get over it – not understanding the devastation they are going through.
It’s hard to blame a survivor of sex abuse for going OTD. They see their religious community letting them down. Big time. A survivor that gets those kinds of reactions - no longer sees Judaism as a religion of Emes. Instead he sees it as a religion of Sheker! Uncaring and cruel.
Anyone with the slightest bit of compassion should understand this. And yet the above scenario still exists – albeit hopefully it is finally changing for the better.
What about sexual harassment? Is that in the category of sex abuse? And what exactly is sexual harassment? Is it only rape or molestation? Can it be defined as unwanted contact or even attention? Must there be physical contact? Is verbal abuse harassment?
I bring this up now in light of the recent ‘me too’ phenomenon. Ever since film producer Harvey Weinstein was exposed as a serial sex abuser, the media has virtualy exploded with women coming forward saying ‘me too’ with stories of harassment and abuse they have experienced - even decades ago. Having been silent about it until now.
Hollywood seems to be the epicenter of this phenomenon. A surprising list of a-list actresses have been coming out and telling the world about the unwanted sexual advances made by producers, directors and fellow actors. First let us not forget the once highly respected serial rapist Bill Cosby. And as recently as this week 3 widely respected actors were accused of sexual harassment or worse: Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, and Jeremy Piven. They have not denied it.
Why Hollywood? They are in large measure responsible for the culture of sexual permissiveness in which we live. They are the primary producers of immoral images and subject matter on the screen. It is the cultural climate that actors, directors, and producers live in. A culture that is further projected to America and distributed to the entire world. Saying that harassment has nothing to do with the permissive sexual nature of Western civilization is as ridiculous as saying that smoking has nothing to do with lung cancer.
Let me (once again) hasten to add that the cause of sexual abuse or harassment is not the culture itself. The cause is the sociopathic psychosexual mental state of the abuser himself. Sex abusers will satisfy their sexual impulses at the expense of others without much of a conscience. Most people with normal libidos control their sex drive - channeling it into consensual adult relationships. Sex abusers have no such control and seek gratification at the expense of others.
What about the ‘me too’ phenomenon? Are we now witnessing an America that has become a virtual Sodom and Gemorah?! Is our culture so depraved that some of the most respected names in America are now being pegged as abusers? Let us look at some of those names. One of the most respected Presidents of recent times, 93 year old George H. W. Bush was recently accused of unwanted sexual contact by an actress during a photo session. He did not deny it – but tried to explain it away and then apologized. And need I mention Bill Clinton?
I don’t think we are at a “Sodom and Gemorah’ situation. At least not yet. There is a difference between the kind of sex abuse attributed to a serial child rapist like Avreimal Mondrowitz and what the elder George Bush did.
I believe these are important distinctions despite the fact that some advocates for survivors of abuse might say otherwise. A George Bush pat on the rear is not the same thing as an Avreimal Mondrowitz anal rape of a child. Nor is the affect on the victim anywhere near the same. While both are clearly wrong - I don’t think they should treated the same way by society either.
Ironically we are now experiencing a sort of backlash with respect to sex abuse. The perameters of sex abuse and harassemt have been redefined and expanded.
Sexual abuse and harassment have been around a long time. But in our day, even an innocent comment about someone’s personal appearance might be seen as sexual harassment. For example, telling a woman that you think she is beautiful is now taken as harassment in some circles. It may be inappropriate to say that to a woman out of the blue. But… harassment? I don’t think so. And yet the minute a story comes out like that about a prominent individual the media is all over it. Even when there is nothing else there.
This is the paradox of our time. On the one hand, today we live in the most sexually permissive culture of my lifetime. On the other hand our culture has evolved into being hypersensitive to even the most innocuous of comments - labeling them harassment.
I think we need to step back, take a deep breath, and realize what is and isn’t abuse and/or harrasement. We need re-instill a little more modesty into our culture that has all abandoned it because of a Hollywood that constantly paints women as sex objects. This will not cure sex abusers of their predatory behavior. But it will, I think, rein in some of the behavior that is predicated in that culture.