Knocking Out His Teeth

Inexcusable! (Forward illustration by Lior Zaltzman)

...to get the State of New York to enforce its mandate for requiring a decent curriculum in its schools.  For their part, Chasidic leaders in these enclaves are quite proud of being a century behind the times… 

“What is that? Take it out!” my grandfather yelled at me, pointing at the box. I tried setting the box on the table, telling him it’s kosher, when he yelled, “Don’t put it there, take it out! Get out with the food!” I tried setting it above the fridge, in a less accessible area, thinking that would suffice, but still my grandfather yelled. 

Surprised at his reaction to my seemingly courteous gesture, I offered the pastries to my aunt and uncle in the adjacent room. 

“You couldn’t bring it there, so you think you can bring it here?” my uncle hissed. “Get out of here.”

“What’s going on with this family? I’m trying to offer kosher food and this is how you treat me! This is  ------- ridiculous,” I said, my aunt, too, now shrieking me out of the room… 

“How dare you use that language in front of my kids,” she screamed, while her husband seethed into my ear. His breath was on me, his long, grey beard quivering in my face. “Get out or I’ll ------- stick a fork up you and your wife and eat you,” he said… 

My aunt toddled toward me. “You talk that way to my father, and I’ll hit you.” … Then she lunged at me, throwing a few punches at my face, before another uncle managed to restrain her. Leaving the hotel, my grandfather yelled after me, “You shaygetz! You mamzer!”

“My mother loves cheesecake.” We set the box on the kitchen counter when we arrived, joined everyone in the family room downstairs, and told them we’d brought Passover cakes. 

 “You brought cake?” said my mother-in-law. I stood frozen, horrified at what I’d brought upon myself a second time. But in the next instant, my mother-in-law tore up the stairs, and by the time I joined her in the kitchen she had plated herself a piece of cake.