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Toras Chaim Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Mendel Slomovits (Matzav) |
The Charedi obsession with the age gap as the cause may have some merit. (For reasons that are beyond the scope of this post). But that isn’t the only reason. Which in my view is why their attempts to fix it has thus far met with limited if any success.
It seems that the way they are tackling this problem is by urging their young men to marry at a younger age.. The latest volley in that ‘war’ comes from one of the most prestigious post high school Yeshivos in Lakewood. As noted in Matzav:
Rav Mendel Slomovits, rosh yeshiva of Yeshiva Toras Chaim of Lakewood, announced in a shmuess given on Friday that he is implementing a new policy in the yeshiva that completely nixes the fourth-year bais medrash program starting this coming Elul zeman in light of the ongoing shidduch crisis.
Rav Slomovits and Rav Mordechai Dick met with Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, rosh yeshiva of Yeshivas Slabodka, in Eretz Yisroel several months ago to discuss various options to alleviate the Shidduch crisis.
Never thought I’d see the day where a Charedi Rosh Yesshiva advocated less learning for any reason . A whole year’s worth no less!
Interestingly according to the article the extra year of Torah study in a post high school yeshiva is only an American phenomenon. Be that as it may, I doubt very much whether this will put a dent in that crisis.
I have said this before but it bears repeating. A better solution in my view would be to open up the dating process to more options than just a Shadchan. And who says you can't date while your learning in a Yeshiva? But the Charedi obsession with the separation of the sexes won’t allow young people to meet outside of a Shadchan of some sort. Whether paid, a family member, or friend.
The idea of young people meeting on their own is so frowned upon, so foreign to the culture of the Charedi world, that if a young man tries to start up a conversation with a young girl at - say a wedding - he will never be considered a serious prospect for marriage. Not by a Shadchan and not by any of the young women that hear about it. If a high school girl is caught talking to a boy that is not a family member or son of a family friend they are seen as a near slut.
Ironically, I know plenty of Charedi couples that met that way and ended up getting married. One fellow I know who is a highly respected Talmid Chacham met his wife that way in high s school and carried out a clandestine relationship with her until they got married. Had he been caught, they might never have gotten married and his reputation ruined.
As I’ve said an ample number of times, there is nothing wrong with a boy meeting a girl on his own. the fear by Charedim that something untoward might happen is unwarranted.
Not that using a shadchan should discouraged but that its should just be one of many options available for young people to meet.
On the MO side, there seems to be a lot of young people that date for what seems like forever before they actually get engaged. And all too often those relationships do not end up with marriage at all. That the Achilles heel of the MO dating system. Whcih in part can be explained by the infamous ‘commitment issue’.
A lot of MO men simply prefer dating over marriage. And they will stay in that kid of relationship until the young woman ends it. Which can sometime take place years after the relaltionship began!Thus limting the number of young men she will meet over time.
I believe that the reason for this is in part due to the fact that they have been unduly influenced by the secular western culture in which they partake. Where marriage is not necessarily an end goal. Most of the secular world has no issue at all with sex outside of marriage. So that particular incentive is no longer relevant. Now I am not accusing Modern Orthodox Jews of having unmarried sex. I have no idea whether any of them do or not. The point is that the decline of marriage in the general culture affects how people date in the MO world. Which in my view is why some MO relationships seem to go on forever and do not end up in marriage.
I know a lot of people in both communities that have been unsuccessfully trying to get married. In my view, the best way to attack the crisis is for each to take a page from the other. The Charedi world should open up the dating process and the MO community should consider dating only for the purpose of marriage. They should and abandon the custom of endless relationships that go nowhere. And include the Shadchan as one of their options as well.
Not that either of these things will happen. But they should.