It seems like things are getting worse. Judging by the amount of ink (both real and virtual) spilled on the subject, one would think that the increase in Jewish women ‘doomed’ to a life of singlehood is increasing exponentially very passing moment.
Is that true? Is ‘doomed’ even the right word?
As in most controversial issues there are no easy answers. Many if the things blamed for the increase in Jewish singles are in fact true. Some of which may not be fixable in the near term.
In the minds of many of us - being a single woman today is a fate worse than death. Women reaching age 23 are considered past their prime. Getting dates becomes a monumental task. They and their parents are to be pitied at best and are often ignored. Even old friends that get married tend to drift towards other married couples – slowly changing what was once strong friendships into lukewarm ones at best.
The cover story in the recent edition of Jewish Action noted that this is the unintended consequence of Orthodox Jewry’s strong family identity. If one is single and no longer lives with their parents, they tend to be marginalized – even if unintentionally.
The author of a book on the subject told of an experience she had that illustrates what singles are up against. Expressing interest in becoming an active member in a certain Shul known for its warm welcoming approach to new members, she was nevertheless rebuffed. Much as he had sympathy for her, the interviewer was honest and said that all Shul activities are geared towards families and that there was no place for her in the Shul.
I can only imagine how hurt she must have been by that comment.
This is something we all need to think about. And to stop singling out singles for special (treatment. Which - as noted - can be hurtful -even though that is surely not what is intended.
That there are these flaws in Charedi Chinuch that place a Talmid Chacham as the ultimate ‘prize’ for a Charedi woman to the exclusion of all others. I have heard said more than once.. It can be summed up by a single phrase:
It is a lot easier to WANT a Talmid Chacham that it is to actually BE One! That means that there are a great many more women seeking only young men of that caliber than there are men of that caliber.
Every time I do here someone say that, I shake my head and blame. For me tjhat is at least as big a problem as is the so called age gap. And there is only one to be balmed for that: The Chinuch of Charedi women who are taught to seek only high quality Talmidei Chachamim. And the most likely place to find them is in Lakewood or Lakewood type Yeshiva via a Shadchan.
There I a lot that could be done to improve the odds of young people getting married. But unless women are taught that they need look only in ‘Lakewood’ for a mate, things will never get better. They will only get worse. And sadly I do not see that happening.
Please excuse any increase in typos during my stay in Israel. As noted in a previous post, I do not have the luxury of having an internet connection at my disposal and will be lucky to get anything posted. Thanks in advance for your patience and understanding