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| Charedi couple from the Yeshiva world on a date (TOI) |
First let me qualify in which segment of the Orthodox world this problem lies. The Chsaidic community is not affected by it since their Shidduch system is radically different from that of the Yeshiva world. (The reason for which is beyond the scope of this post) Modern Orthodoxy is less affected by this since their Shidduch system is not as limited or as strongly structured as it is in the Yeshiva world. The Charedi Yeshiva world is the segment most affected by this problem.
There are in fact a lot of young singles in this very large and growing segment that are not married, trying very hard to get married, and have thus far been unsuccessful. The stress these young people feel must be unbearable. That was made clear in a recent study conducted by Naomi Rosenbach, a PhD, in clinical psychology:
This paper highlights the pain that many individuals experience in the shidduch dating process. The difficulties were evident in the poignant voices of the participants. Many women noted the struggle of not being able to find a suitable marriage partner and lacking dates. Surprisingly, another strong finding emerged from the data; women felt pressured to get married before they felt ready (too young) and pressure to decide to marry someone in too short of a time span.I can attest to these feelings on the part of the singles I know who are going through the same struggles. Rosenbach explains and comments on these findings in the following way:
In another study, my dissertation, I found that there are mental health consequences to these beliefs. When people think that their gender is in oversupply and there are not enough marriage partners to go around, they are susceptible to increased anxiety and depression and decreased life satisfaction.
I also found that when women believe there are not enough men they are more likely to endorse settling for a spouse they do not feel is the best fit for them. Additionally, when men believe they are in undersupply, and they have the upper hand in the process, they are less likely to commit to relationships and become more selective in their dating criteria.
In one of the more fascinating findings, I found that there are mental health consequences for men as well; when men believe there are more women available, this can also lead to increased male depression and anxiety. In a follow-up study, we found that lack of dating opportunity and stigma in singlehood in the Orthodox community can also lead to increased depression and anxiety and decreased life satisfaction.
When assumptions like this are made and reinforced by family, peers, mentors, rabbinic leaders, and numerous articles about it in the Charedi media, it should not surprise anyone that it often results in real mental health problems. In fact calling it a crisis might even be an understatement. And yet using the word ‘crisis’ surely exacerbates the anxiety many unmarried young people feel who have been dating unsuccessfully for a while.
With the best of intentions – and based mostly on anecdotal evidence – many Charedi rabbinic leaders believe that the problem lies and in the age gap between men and women when each starts dating. While there is approximately the same number of males born every year as females, in the Charedi Yeshiva world - women start dating a lot sooner than men at about age 19. Men usually start dating around age 23.
These rabbiinc leaders have concluded that the 4 year age gap causes the number of women dating to be 4 times as large as the number of men. Based on that calculation they have decided that the solution to the problem is that men should start dating at a much younger age in order to reduce that gap and those numbers accordingly.
This is in my view is a mistake which is counterproductive. In our day a 19 year old Yeshiva man is not mature enough to get married and start a family. Sitting in a Beis HaMedresh all day long hardly qualifies as preparation for marriage.
I am, however, aware of many notable exceptions where a marriage like that has been very successful. But my guess is that a a lot of them are not. It wouldn’t surprise me if getting married too young results in a higher divorce rate in that demographic.
That there are a lot of young people that haven’t gotten married after dating for a while is a serious problem. One that I do not believe has been solved yet. For them. But as Rosenbach’s study suggests, much of their angst is based on false assumptions. Assumptions that have never been challenged. Until now:
The data shows that women believe that they have a 50% likelihood of not getting married. We found that these beliefs are severely skewed. We have evidence that people believe that there are more than double the amount of men than women. This, too, is far from reality. What we glean from our studies is that it is more likely that more than 95% of the Yeshiva Orthodox population gets married.
Not everyone gets married in their early twenties, and lots of people get married throughout their twenties and thirties. While there is evidence that there are slightly more single women than men available after the age of 30, the difference is about 1% more, meaning 101 women for every 100 men, and not double as people believe.
This doesn’t really help much to relieve the anxiety of those who have been trying unsuccessfully to get married for many years. But it should once and for all dismiss the notion that the Shidduch crisis is of greater magnitude than it really is - since many of those negative assumptions have proven to be overblown or false.
For those that do have this problem, there are many factors that go into why he or she might have difficulty getting married. But if young people are disabused of the false notions of the conventional wisdom on this subject, they will be able to make better, more informed, and more sensible decisions without as much pressure. Decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
The one thing that stands out for me that is not commonly mentioned as a serious impediment in many cases is the pressure placed on dating singles by their parents. It has increasingly become the case that parents are the ones driving their children’s dating lives even as they get older – with little input or decision making from the children themselves. Parents in the Charedi world seem to increasingly be meddling in the lives of their children in ways that will affect their future. For selfish reasons. I was sent an example of this attitude by a reader. Which I believe has become increasingly typical:
Why are mothers of singles in their high 20’s and older still involved and screening Shidduchim for their single children?
IMHO this is such a huge boulder standing in the way of singles finding their bashert. Rabbonim truly need to speak about this. When singles reach a certain age they need to handle their dating and Shidduchim on their own or work with a shadchan or dating coach and take their parents out of the process. Parents and singles are not always on the same page when it comes to finding the right person. They might be looking for two very different individuals and that keeps the single from marrying…
I just sent a suggestion to a 38 year old male's Whatsapp and “Mom” answered me via email
that she feels the shidduch is not what they want for the family. When I asked the mother if I could communicate with him directly, she claimed "Hashem made it newly untznius for singles to communicate with shadchanim without their parents" dictating all of their dating decisions via reference calls.
This example might be somewhat extreme. But I don’t think it’s all that far off. Because I have heard similar comments by parents that have rejected perfectly fine Shidduch prospects for their son or daughter – without them ever getting a vote.
If anything needs to be tackled first, this is it.