Are Children of Baalei Teshuva More prone to Going OTD?

On this day of Yom HaShoah – Holocaust Remembrance Day in Israel the focus is on antisemitism.  Rightfully so since the Holocaust was the ultimate expression of antisemitism - resulting in the death of 6 million Jews and millions of survivors that suffer lifetime trauma having lived through it. 

The ADL reports that 2021 contained the highest number of anti-Semitic incidents ever since they began recording those statistics. Whenever there is trouble in the world, the Jews get blamed by the antisemites of the world.  The COVID 19 pandemic is blamed on us hence the rise in antisemitic attacks. 

But there is another Holocaust taking place right now. A silent, spiritual one where 90% of the Jewish people could not care less about their Judaism leading to the highest intermarriage rate ever.  This is old news. But that doesn’t diminish the seriousness of the problem.

It isn't only secular Jews that had no Jewish education leaving Judaism. There is another type of Jew doing that. And that too is happening with more frequency than ever. It is when observant Jews drop observance. It is often referred to as the OTD phenomenon. (For lack of a better word, OTD is how I will refer to them.) A lot of Orthodox Jews (mostly among the young) are dropping the observances they were raised with. 

While the percentages may be small, the numbers aren’t. As the world of Orthodox Jewry expands, so too do the numbers of those going OTD. Those numbers are so huge that even Charedi organizations have arisen to deal with this problem. I have no idea how successful they are. But if I had to guess I would say - not very.  I believe the majority of those that go OTD do not return (to paraphrase Shulem Deen’s aptly titled  memoir about his own journey out of observance).

And now we have another such memoir. This one written by Julia Haart. Julia has one thing in common with Shulem. In both cases their parents were Baalei Teshuva - BTs.

I have no proof of this but it seems to me that Baalei Teshuva have a higher than percentage of children that go OTD than those born into observant families. The so-called FFB's (Frum From Birth

That impression was reinforced after reading Chana’s review of Brazen: My Unorthodox Journey from Long Sleeves to Lingerie  by Julia  Haart. Chana’s keen insight into Haart’s journey is very revealing. I believe her interpretation is on the money. Having more to do with Haart being raised somewhat dysfunctionally than it does with Orthodox Judaism being oppressive. 

That is not however the subject of this post. It is that, just like Shulem Deen - Julia Haart was raised by BT parents. 

At this point I want to make clear that I am NOT God forbid casting any aspersions on BTs. I admire them for finding their own way to Emes. And believe that their commitment to Judaism is something should all should all emulate and aspire to.  My admiration for BTs has no bounds. I truly honor them. FFBs are on the other hand born into observant lifestyles and don’t think about it too much.         

One might think that since BTs are so altruistic that their children will pick up on that and see Judaism the same way. And that people like Shulem Deen and Julia Haart should turned out be been more committed to observance than FFBs who are that way almost by rote? And yet the both went OTD.

This is not to say that there weren’t other factors caused them to go OTD. That was certainly the case with both Deen and Haart. But I don’t think you can ignore the BT parent factor.

I am going to suggest a couple of  reasons why this might be the case.

First there is the fact that the motives of BT parents to find truth in Judaism are not there for their children. Thereby seeing observance as more of a burden than anything else. 

And then there is the following. Despite vigorous denials to the contrary the FFB community does not fully accept BTs as part of their  community for a variety of reasons , none of which are fair, but nonetheless exist. 

For one thing BTs are constantly in a learning mode of how to be observant.  Not having been educated in the ways of full observance they do not always know what is Halacha and what is custom. They are therefore seen as being equally important to observe uncompromisingly But customs are  subjective.

To illustrate Chabad is particular teaching their BTs  that all woman in every household must light candles on Shabbos even if they are single. And even if they are children. Without specifying that this is hardly a universal custom and that it is a custom practiced mainly to Chabad Chasidus.

Another example is wearing a hat for public prayer. BTs might  see wearing a black hat in the same light as keeping Kosher. Without realizing that wearing a hat is not universal too all Orthodox Jews. And clearly not the same level of observance as keeping Kosher even according to those that insist on it.

There are sometimes mistakes made by BTs that  while completely understandable, might be seen by an FFB is weird and even ridiculed in private.  Children pick up on that.

Another thing thing that might factor into children of BTs going OTD is their parents’ irreligious relatives. They might be seen as role models for children that are simply not into observance. They might say to themselves something like ‘If my father’s brothers and sisters aren’t observant and are doing just fine, why should I be?’ If they can live this way and be free of all these restrictions, why can‘t I? These children never strove for truth the way their parents did and do not have the  motivation their parents did.

When all of this is combined, it isn't too hard to see why children of BTs might be more likely to go OTD than those that are FFB.

Just some of my  thoughts.       

Hat tip: Alex Fleksher