Sadie Hawkins Day

Tu B'Av (OU)

Tomorrow is Sadie Hawkins Day. For those too young to have any clue what I am talking about, this ‘holiday’ is a figment of the late cartoonist Al Capp’s imagination. Capp was the creator of a popular satiric comic strip of the mid 20^th century called Li’l Abner. The idea of that day was role reversal. Instead of men actively seeking out women for marriage, women actively sought out men. 

Though not an exact analogy, tomorrow is Tu B’Av – the 15^thday of the month of Av (when the moon is full). This is a day where back in Mishnaic times, young Jewish women became more active in seeking out husbands. The Mishna (Taanis - 26b) tells us that there were no other holidays as festive as this day and Yom Kippur  (at night  - post fast). All the young single women of Jerusalem would dress up and go into the vineyards and dance. They would tell young men, to raise their eyes and see what they should choose! …adding (among other things) that they should seek women of piety rather than beauty. 

My how times have changed. The very idea of a man watching a woman dance is considered immoral. An act that might generate improper thoughts. Young wome doing that would today be considered promiscuous.. 

One may ask, if that is so, how can the Mishna describe it as such a festive holiday? Since when does  Torah law (which is what studying Mishna is all about) promote promiscuity like that?

 The classic answer is that our generation isn’t anywhere near as holy as the generation of the Mishna. Young men did not have lascivious thoughts when they saw these women dancing. They saw them merely as possible Shiduchim. So then it was appropriate today it would not be. 

I have to wonder about that considering the many Gemarahs that indicate otherwise. Such as where we are told that looking even at the little finger of a woman is forbidden for that reason. Were young unmarried teens less likely to have such thoughts back then? 

Be that as it may, this is not going to happen today. No Beis Yaakov is going to teach their girls to dress up and dance before a group of boys on Tu B’av – even for Shidduch purposes. And certanly no Yeshiva would ever allow their boys to watch them if they tried.

I mention all of this to contrast it with today’s so called Shidduch crisis.  The fact is there are an increasing number of young women that have a difficult time getting married.  They ‘age out’ of the system pretty quickly. So that by age 29 when most American woman are still single and far from ready to get married, a young Orthodox woman might be seen as over the hill by her community. Or at least not the first choice of young men seeking Shidduchim.  Especially in the Charedi world. They tend to date ‘younger’ women 19 to 23 years of age. The older they get, the less likely they will be considered for a date. There are of course many successful exceptions. But that is what they are. Excepceratintions. 

I have talked about this problem before. Many times. But I am not the only one. This has been a discussion among many Charedi leaders  who have tried to come up with solutions to the problem.  Tu B’av is when this problem seems to get more attention. For obvious reasons. 

I am not opposed to all of the various suggestions being made to help alleviate the situation. One of which is prayer. From Matzav:

On August 5th, Tu B’Av at 10:AM (NY time) and around the world, hundreds of thousands of Jews will unite at one time, reciting 8 perakim of Tehillim as a zechus for all singles in Klal Yisrael to find their shidduch, This historic worldwide event is called “Tu B’Av Together” and is a Yad L’Achim initiative.  

I am not God forbid opposed to prayer. I am opposed to how radically finding a Shiddach has changed from the days of the Mishna to our day. Even if one finds the idea of young single women dancing in front of young single men to be of a promiscuous nature, it can certainly not be the case that every way of finding a mate - other than using a Shadchan - is considered inappropriate.  And yet, in the Charedi world - and increasingly in some parts of the Centrist world - going to a Shadchan is becoming an almost exclusive way to date. The idea of young men and women meeting on their own is at best frowned upon.

Do not misunderstand. I have no problem at all with the use of a Shadchan. (Although I do have a problem with the way some of them operate. But that is beyond the scope of this post.) Using a Shadchan is a perfectly fine way to date. But  it should in no way be the only way to date.  There are multiple legitimate and appropriate ways for young men and women to meet. In my view they should not only be encouraged to do it, it ought to be facilitated. Or at least not actively prevented or discouraged. I know Charedi families that have been friends for years but stop inviting each other over for a Shabbos meal when their children become teenagers and were the opposite sex.

In those circles, there is absolutely no way that a young man and young woman should meet unless it is done through a Shadchan of some sort. Where each potential Shidduch is researched and scrutinized for compatibility long before their first date. While there is certainly nothing wrong with finding out how compatible a potential couple may be, I am absolutely convinced that a lot of singles never meet because of too much research. 

It might take young people meeting on their own a bit longer to find out how compatible they are. But at the same time they are in a far better position to know that when they do it on their own - rather than through a Shadchan or even a parent. 

I truly believe that expanding the world of dating possibilities would help resolve - if not fully eliminate the so called Shidduch crisis.

Too bad it will never happen. We seem to be going I the opposite direction. Maybe we cant go back to the way Tu B’Av was celebrated back in Mishnaic times. But at least let us open things up a bit more rather than they are now instead of going in the opposite direction.