An Unconventional Option for Observant Gay Men

Yet another state – Kentucky - seeks to ban conversion therapy for homosexuals.  I for one agree that it should be banned. At least the way it is practiced. Which is basically torturing gay people into rejecting their natural attraction to people of the same sex(SSA).  Torture is never a good idea. Especially when it seeks to change a natural inclination. And it rarely works. The natural attractions never really go away. They might be forcibly buried only to come out later.

While I remain unsure whether a ‘gay gene’ actually exists that makes someone gay at birth… or whether it is somehow learned early in life,  I am nevertheless sure that inclinations like that remain a permanent part of the psyche. Those who might argue and say they know people that have successfully gone through conversion therapy are probably looking at bisexuals who can be ‘trained to seek sexual gratification through only the heterosexual side of their bisexuality, or that were not really gay to begin with. But merely confused about their sexuality (for a variety of reasons beyond the scope of this post). My guess is that conventional psychotherapy would be just as effective as conversion therapy in those cases.

The problem – as I have mentioned many times - is what is an observant gay man to do in order to satisfy a natural urge so basic to his existence – if the way to do so is forbidden by Halacha.

I have no answer to that. I will however say that there are sensitive Poskim that deal with that in ways besides just telling them to ‘get lost!’ Unfortunately here is a lot of ignorance on the subject.

But there is another problem here that is often ignored. Which is the fact that are observant gay people don’t like the fact that they are gay. They would prefer they were not gay and able lead a normal heterosexual lifestyle which includes  marriage and children. Should they be told that there is no hope of that since they are hardwired to SSA?

The conventional wisdom is to strongly discourage a gay man from getting married to a woman. I tend to agree with that in most cases. It is indeed a prescription for disaster. Besides - western culture has completely abandoned any notion of impropriety about sexual acts forbidden by the bible. Gay men are encouraged to simply follow their natural inclinations and have a sexual relationship with another man. In fact the United States government has now endorsed that option by making gay marriage the law of the land.

I am opposed to gay marriage for religious reasons since it gives a government imprimatur for something that the three major faiths believe to be sinful and forbidden by God.

After thinking about it for a while – and knowing of at least two successful marriages between a gay man and a heterosexual woman, I am not so certain anymore about that line never being crossed. In both cases the gay husband hid his SSA from his wife. They both had happy marriages and wonderful well adjusted children. In both cases their SSA was eventually revealed to their wives. In once case a very understanding wife stayed in the marriage and they have raised their children together. In the other case they have divorced – the husband revealing his SSA long after their children had grown into adults. The former case involved an observant Jew that went to Poskim that advised him how to deal with his homosexuality in light of his very understanding wife. That they both love each other helps. In the latter case it was a well known man who is religious Christian. Although his wife was very understanding they decided that divorce at that stage in life as the best option for both.

I cannot advise observant gay people what to do if they want to live in a heterosexual marriage and have children as gay men. That is well beyond my pay grade. But at the same time I do think it is possible if one is honest about his SSA with the women he wants to marry. 

Obviously a big hurdle to overcome is finding a woman willing to live under those conditions. But as I said, it is possible and does happen. That said, I would first consult with psychologists experienced with these kind of situations as well as Poskim that are known to be sympathetic to these issues.

There was a time not all that ling ago historically (back before the 1970s) where being gay was considered abnormal. A time where being gay meant being discriminated against, bullied, and ridiculed. Gay people hid their homosexual tendencies and would only have gay relationships on the ‘down-low’.  Many of them did however get married and while they might have been miserable at one level - were happily married at another. Although I am pretty sure that a lot of those marriages (most?) ended in disaster - not all of them did.

The bottom line I guess is that it is possible for observant gay men to live a heterosexual lifestyle and even have children. But to make sure that disaster doesn’t happen one must be completely honest with the woman they want to marry - and that the right people must be consulted before going ahead. No relationship needs more counseling than one like that.

These are my current thoughts. I know this is not the conventional wisdom. But since there have been and still are successful marriages like that, I don’t see why it should not be an option. Some people would say it is absurd to suggest that a gay man marry a heterosexual woman. I fully understand that. I also realize that the likelihood of finding woman like that is remote. But it is possible and it has happened successfully. Is there any reason to - out of hand reject that option for a gay man that wants to have a wife and children?

Just some initial thoughts on the subject.