When They Go Can They Return?

This is one of the reasons it is our obligation to reach out to fellow Jews that have not had the benefit of a Jewish education - and to try and educate them about their heritage. This has been done successfully by in huge measure by Chabad and many other outreach organizations. It is called Kiruv. Which is a Hebrew word for bringing people closer to God.

With the march out of Judaism by so many many American Jews taking place now – (highlighted by the over 70% intermarriage rate of non Orthodox Jews) the importance of doing Kiruv is beyond obvious. Kiruv fulfills the first part of our responsibility to fellow Jews. And although it’s a drop in the bucket compared to those leaving - every Jew that comes closer to God through our efforts is one less Jew that will abandon his Judaism.

There are two questions that arise here. One is in how we go about it. I have discussed this before and will not do so again here other than to say the best way for Orthodox Jews to reach out to fellow non observant Jews is by example. By behaving in ethical ways, being kind, giving  and not being preachy a lot of good will is built up as well as interest in leading a life that such behavior is an example of. 

Kiruv is not an all or nothing affair. If we are successful even only in making observant Jew look like the most ethical and honest people, instead of the crooks, fraudsters, and abusers so often reported in the media, we have accomplished a great deal. And if they want to emulate our religious ways in any sense at all, that’s gravy.

But then there is the other question of  Kiruv to children that have gone OTD. As a wise Kiruv rabbi once told me - Kiruv with Jews that have no background is a piece of cake compared to Kiruv with OTD kids. It is is almost impossible to get them to return to a way of life in which they were raised and then abandoned.

What is our responsibility to children like that? Do we reach out to them? Or do we do we just throw  up our hands and abandon them? Do we sit Shiva on them as though they died? Do we break all contact with them? Should their lack of observance be seen as a threat to the spiritual well being of  the rest of your children?  Should the OTD child be thrown out into the street?

The answer to all of these questions is absolutely not. That would be an abdication not only of the spiritual obligations, it would be an abdication of our responsibility to the physical and mental responsibility of a fellow Jew. In this case your own child. I cant think of too many things more horrendous and more traumatizing. Going OTD does not in any way merit abandoning a child to the street.

What about the near impossibility of an OTD child to return to even a modest level of observance? Shouldn’t that mean that we are wasting our time and in the process endangering the rest of our children by allowing them to remain in the home and being a part of the family? What about the bad example they set? Will that not influence other children to go OTD?

That is not likely in good families where one child goes OTD. In most cases children stay loyal to the religious values and practices in which they were raised even if one of then goes OTD. As I often say there are as many reason a child might go OTD as there are children that go OTD.

While it’s true that there are families where more than one child goes OTD (in some cases all of them) that is probably more a function of some significant family dysfunction going that it is the influence of one OTD child. 

We have a responsibility to our fellow Jew. Even more so a parent to a child.  That responsibility is not only for their spiritual welfare but their physical and mental welfare. 

In my view the ONLY way to treat children that go OTD is with respect and the loving-kindness that any parent should have for all of their children. They must continue to feel like a welcome part of the family. 

What about their disregard for - and abandonment of observance? Yes - that is heartbreaking to an observant parent. But it is counterproductive and criminal to punish them by abandoning them. If an OTD child is otherwise a decent human being with good values they will respect the way of life that their family has chosen and will not try to undermine their siblings’ observances or beliefs. 

A parent can ask and expect an OTD child to not do things in the home that openly violate Judaism. So that the house continue to remain an overtly observant one. A parent has a right for example to expect that no overt violations of Shabbos take place in his home on that day. The OTD child can have his space (such as his bedroom with the door closed) to do what he wishes in the home as long as it is not done in full view of the family. I think most OTD children would abide by such rules.

What about getting them to return to observance at some point? While that would be a magnificent result for an Orthodox parent, experience has taught us that it is highly unlikely. But if it ever does happen it is far more likely on a loving family environment than it is when parents become hostile. 

In the meantime you are caring for the physical and mental well being of a fellow Jew – your own child – by loving and accepting then for who they are. Not being judgmental can go a long way towards a healthy future adulthood even if they end up not being observant at all. Which is a lot better than what happens to OTD children that are ‘thrown into the streets’ by un-accepting parents.

Those are the children that are most vulnerable to depression, drugs, and alcoholism and in some cases suicide. Which is the saddest outcome of all. On the other hand by being an accepting and loving parent you have saved a life. And you never know if that child will return to observance. Unlikely though it may seem – it does happen.