The Sad Story of Philo and Judy

It has always intrigued me when people that are raised one way - change their lives in major ways for religious reasons. Whether it is a secular Jew becoming fully observant or a religious Jew becoming fully secular. Or more precisely becoming a non believer. The latter is the case with this couple.

I’m sure it is extremely difficult to bolt from your past and enter a world that you were never part of, never wanted to be part of, and never thought you would be a part of. When someone does that, I always want to know what happened.

The first time I saw any indication that there were a significant number of observant Jews that become non believers was when I began this blog. At the time the big issue of the day was a ban on books written by Rabbi Nosson Slifikin that attempted to reconcile Torah with science. Even though they had approbations by some of the leading American Charedi Gedolim of the day, those books were deemed Apikursus (heresy) by Rav Shalom Yosef Elyashiv, the leading Charedi Gadol in Israel at the time.

That was because - among other things - those books claimed that the age of the universe was more than 6000 years old. Up to that point that view was not considered Apikursus even in the Charedi world of which Rabbi Slifkin was a part. (He no longer considers himself to be Charedi.)

Among the many skeptics and atheists commenting there were not an insignificant number of people like Philo - former hard core Charedim. I am reminded for example of a Charedi Posek in Bnei Brak who was a closet atheist and still Paskined Shailos until he ‘came out of the closet’. (There was an actual article about him at the time in one of the Charedi magazines)

That event created a major backlash by those of us that still believe the universe to be ancient. It also generated one of the most popular Jewish blogs in the history of blogging that defended Rabbi Slifkin. It was called Not the Gadol HaDor. (since deleted). The anonymous blogger and the subject matter attracted a variety of formerly believing Jews that had become skeptics and atheists. And because of their arguments - it caused that blogger to doubt his own faith.

Back to Philo.

Philo and his wife, Judy were the typical Charedi couple that the Yeshiva world produces. Philo was raised Charedi and went the traditional route of the Yeshiva world ending up in a Kollel. He married his wife Judy who was also raised Charedi and went the traditional Beis Yaakov route - happy to marry and support a husband in Kollel. They both were immersed and deeply identified with their community and lived a fully observant Kollel lifestyle, which included happily incorporating many of the strictures and customs found in that community. (e.g using only Chalav Yisroel products and eating only Yoshon.)

But Philo always had questions about Emunah even while being fully observant - Charedi style. Long story short those questions were never answered to his satisfaction. Until they were - in ways that ultimately led him to become a non believer. And yet even while this transformation was going on, he maintained a façade – continuing his daily Kollel routine.

When he finally confided in his wife, she was devastated. She was not only Charedi, but considered a role model in her community. But after making some compromises in order to keep the family together she eventually did some of her own research and reached the same conclusions her husband did. They are now both non believers.

For this couple (and probably for many others with similar backgrounds that have gone through this) it comes at an extremely high price. In Judy’s case it precipitated a case of clinical depression, for which she is still seeing a therapist. I can only image the trauma it must have caused for them to reveal all of this to to their religious and proud parents. And the dillemea they faced with their children that were being educated in Charedi schools.

And now, after ‘faking it’ for a while, they have decided to leave the Charedi community they both loved and lived in happily.

The question is why? Why did they abandon their faith? What has happened to them? What they (and their parents) must surely be going through is tragic. It truly saddens me.

As I have said many times I’m sure I have had some of the same questions this couple had. And just like them, I have not necessarily found satisfactory answers to those questions. Clearly they are not the only Charedi couple that had these kinds of questions. But most are still believers. Philo and Judy no longer are.

As I also said recently, belief is by definition something that cannot be proven. If it could, we would not need belief.

Philo said that he tried to force himself to believe. He even tried ‘Pascal’s Wager’ as a means of believing. Blaise Pascal was a 17^thcentury scientist and philosopher who had some of these kinds of unanswerable questions about God’s existence and started to have doubts. However, since he didn’t know for sure, he would assume that his religious beliefs about God were true – just in case they were. But that too failed failed Philo after awhile since the classic response to that is which ‘truth’ do you believe: Judaism’s? Christianity’s? Islam’s? Buddhism's? That usually destroys Pascal’s Wager.

I am not going to get into why I believe that Judaism is the truth. Been there and done that. I will just restate the obvious. I  believe in God and in the truth of Judaism.

Neither Philo nor Judy go into any real detail about the exact nature of the questions and answers that led them down this path. But I do believe that they are both intellectually honest and have reached their conclusions after much serious investigation and thought.

I can’t explain why I – and others like me that have these questions remain believers. Nor can I explain why this couple reached the conclusions they did – even though they were raised as Charedim.

One thing I can say is that it is not because I am forcing myself to believes something that I know not to be true as Philo did for a while. Perhaps that is the key to understanding what happened to him.

He accepted the arguments against Judaism and God as the most logical answers to questions he had. Thus rejecting the one thing that is most important about belief. That belief does not depend on logic or observable fact. That unsolvable questions need not result a conclusion that one’s beliefs aren’t true. Even if it seems like the most logical explanation. 

Sometimes logic about reality fails you, as (for example) the irreconcilable conflicting theories of Niels Bohr’s micro universe versus Einstein’s macro universe. As is the inexplicable Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics. That is where Emunah comes in.

That Philo was forcing himself to believe really means that he did not believe at all, once he had his questions answered in ways that satisfied his logical mind. To Philo non believing was a far better approach than  simple faith. 

But faith is important even to those of us that are rational thinkers in search of truth and find evidence  (albeit not conclusive proof) of God’s existence. Because no matter how much evidence one sees in the majesty of God’s creation, it still requires a degree of Emunah Peshuta. Something the rational minds of Philo and Judy could apparently not accept. So strongly did they feel like this that they have ultimately made the decision to leave the community they loved so dearly.

That is what makes this all so sad. They loved being observant. This was not about being ‘Porek Ol’ - the commonly held belief by some that the real reason anyone goes OTD is because they no longer want to live by strictures of observant lifestyle. Both Judy and Philo, loved being observant and being a part of that community. And yet in order to be true to themselves they stopped believing. 

This kind of going OTD is the saddest kind of all. 

And yet there is some hope. Philo indicated that even if God does exist He would understand that he (Philo) came to his conclusions honestly and not as a means of rebellion. Is he still applying Pascal's Wager and hedging his bet?