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| David Auman (Facebook) |
As bad as going through a divorce is, the alternative can be much worse. Not only for the couple but for the children (if here are any). The fighting between a couple that leads to divorce does not go away if they stay together. When there are serious irreconcilable differences, the lesser of 2 evils is by far the better choice.
This is not to say that children don’t suffer because of a parental breakup. Clearly they do. But they suffer far more in a dysfunctional family that stays together. It is a sad situation no matter how you slice it. But like I said this isn’t about that. It is about the money.
Aside from the trauma suffered by all the family, getting divorced is expensive. That is not news. It might even be a deterrent in some cases. Which may not be the best way forward if the dysfunction continues. A wise couple facing divorce will understand those two alternatives and with the help of professional marriage counseling - will arrive at the right decision.
But what about that cost? How does it play out when a father is required to pay alimony and child support – in addition to his own living expenses? And what if they are from a community that devalues the work ethic in favor of full time Torah study – encouraging them to live as modestly as they can?
That is precisely how the Charedi world in Israel lives. They are encouraged to give up the Gashmius (materials things – meaning all but the bare necessities of life) in favor of the Ruchnius (a spiritual and therefore for more uplifting lifestyle)!
The Charedi world eagerly embraces those values. Which is in a vacuum is of course very laudable. That is why so many of them live extremely modest lifestyles. To achieve that end, a decent secular education is not required. Which of course they do not get. There is no preparation for the workplace.
True – for those that leave the Kollel and seek better material lives for their families - classes and schools have been popping up that either allow them to catch up with their secular counterparts and go on to receive a higher education, or to train them for specific better paying jobs. But as I have said in the past, that is far from a panacea. Those that take advantage of those schools are a small percentage of the whole. Many try and drop out lacking the basic tools learned via a secular curriculum
Be that as it may, what if a young man in a Kollel gets divorced? What is it like for him when he is ordered to pay all those additional expenses with money he does not have and is unable to get for lack of a decent education?
The answer to that can be found on Rafi’s blog, Life inIsrael. There he features David Auman, a young divorced man who willingly accepted the amount of child support determined by the Beis Din (religious court). This is what he said to the court upon accepting it (as translated by Rafi):
You explained very well how much I need to pay as a father responsible for his daughters and that as of now I do not have a profession but I need to take care to get myself one.
You are 100% right. It is my responsibility and I will do everything to fulfill it.
I only have one question.
Now you come and tell me this???
Our entire lives you have educated us that we do not need professions, that we can sit and learn in kollel, we can bring home 1500 NIS (about $430) per month with ten children and it will be enough and all will be fine. And now suddenly you remember to tell me that a father needs to bring home 1400 NIS (about $400) per child?
You, as dayanim (religious court judges) who deal with this issue regularly and understand and recognize the problem, have a responsibility to take care that this should change, that children and bochurim should be prepared in advance for the situation in which they will need to support their future children, and not just to wait until the last moment in a crisis to remember suddenly to tell them.
As might be expected those Dayanim had no answer. What came next (as reported by Rafi) should shock everybody:
One of the dayanim joked that the education we give is only valid as long as nobody gets divorced, but he too realized it is not a joke.
A joke?! He had to actually say it before he realized it wasn’t?! Where indeed is this poor young man going to get $4000 per month just to pay child support? And what about his own living expenses? Is he supposed to starve and live out in the street – even if he could come up with $4000? Which is nearly ten times the money he earned as a Kollel student?!
What a sad reality this is! Instead of being as prepared as possible for any financial eventuality life throws at you, you are told to ignore it all and just sit and learn.
True, the possibility of divorce should not govern how you lead your life. But young people in Kollel getting divorced is no longer as rare as it used to be. One must prepare as much as possible for what life hands you. Which in my view means changing the educational system so that it better prepares young male students to get decent jobs so that when they leave they can better support their growing families. Or, sadly, if they get divorced to pay the necessary child support.
That solution seems obvious. As it should be – and perhaps is - for those Dayanim. The question is, what are they going to do about it?
Answer: Probably nothing!