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| An Orthodox gay wedding?! |
Current thinking among mental health professionals is that being gay is not something an individual can control. Whether it is nature, nurture, or both - being attracted to either the same or opposite sex in ‘hardwired’ in all of us. (Although I’m not sure how to see bisexuality in that context but that is another subject). We can’t help who we are attracted to. All we can do is control our behavior with respect to those attractions.
The problem has always been in how the Torah views the actual behavior commonly associated with male homosexuality. It is forbidden by Halacha and considered a capital offense. Although there is no way to implement the consequences of a capital crime in our day - it is nevertheless on the ‘books’. I would venture to guess that those consequences were hardly if ever implemented since gay sex is rarely performed in public where 2 kosher witnesses are standing by - warning them about the consequences of their transgression. But I digress. Point being that acting on gay tendencies should not be taken lightly.
That being said, I have always expressed sympathy and support for people with same sex attractions. I understand their dilemma. Sex is a basic human drive. Just as eating and sleeping is. The only difference is that sex can be delayed. Eating and sleeping cannot. But the drive is there. Eventually it will come calling and require expression and fulfillment.
For those of us that are heterosexual, that isn’t much of a problem. The legal way to satisfy the sex drive is though the holy union of marriage. This is not true for homosexuals. Their sex drive is not satisfied by having a sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex. They seek sexual relationships with members of the same sex in order to satisfy their sex drive. Which is often expressed in a way that is explicitly forbidden in the Torah.
This is why I have acceptance for - and treat with dignity people with homosexual tendencies. I see them as human beings created in the image of God. And if Jews - members of God’s treasured people as well. All other things being equal I treat gay people with the same dignity and respect I would treat anyone else.
Treating gay people with dignity and acceptance is one thing. Celebrating their tendencies is an entirely different enterprise. A religious Jew (and certainly someone that identifies as an Orthodox rabbi) should never celebrate a status that is so often leads to behavior that the Torah considers a severe sin.
Although analogies are always imperfect (no less so here) it would be like celebrating a religious Jew opening up a McDonald’s. Serving cheeseburgers to anyone – especially a fellow Jew - is a serious Halachic violation too. They may otherwise be among the most ethical and observant Jews among us. They may be big Balei Tzedaka (philanthropists to Jewish causes); pray 3 times a day with a Minyan; and Kovieh Itim (set aside a regular schedule for Torah study)… it wouldn’t matter. No Orthodox rabbi should ever celebrate a religious Jew owning and operating a McDonald’s franchise.
But that is exactly what happens when that rabbi officiates at a public ‘ceremony’ celebrating a gay union. By doing so he implies that he not only accepts and respects gay people as human beings but is actually sanctioning religiously the relationship and all it entails.
When a rabbi does that he implies the following. Just like a sexual relationship between a man and a woman is holy and blessed via marriage, so too a sexual relationship between a man another man blessed by a‘ceremony’ that has all the same trappings. It implies that their sexual relationship is ‘holy and blessed’ too. One cannot separate sex from marriage. Sex is an integral part of marriage. To simply rationalize (as I have heard some of them do) that these celebrations are not religious and do not actually celebrate the sexual component – is a dodge at best if not entirely disingenuous.
Please do not misunderstand. I know why these rabbis might do it. I even sympathize with their motives. Gay people that have any sense of religious conviction are themselves conflicted about who they are. They know the Torah forbids Mishkav Zechor (male to male anal sex). They also realize that not all that long ago homosexuality was shunned by virtually all of society. Until the early 70s it was considered a mental disorder. Most homosexuals stayed in the closet back then. The stigma of being gay then was unbearable.
Many people still look at it that way. Especially religious people. Coming out of the closet is still difficult. Most religious parents are not happy to find out their child is gay. Even though many parents eventually do come around, it is still a difficult for a gay person to come out of the closet knowing how they will be seen (and even still shunned by some in their community) I’m told that there is still a high rate of suicide by gay people.
I’m sure that is the thinking among rabbis that perform these ceremonies. They want to assure a gay couple that they are loved and fully accepted for who and what they are. Celebrating a gay relationship is a huge step in that direction. They might even see it as Pikuach Nefesh.
So I get it. But those concerns - serious as they may be - do not make celebrating a gay union right. Not any more than celebrating the grand opening of a McDonalds by a religious Jew would be. I know there are differences. One is not compelled to open up a McDonalds - but as noted one is ‘compelled’ to express one of humanity’s basic drives – the sex drive. And if you are gay, that often involves a capital level sin.
But that’s just it. It is a capital level sin! Regardless of the circumstances it is wrong to celebrate the impermissible even if by implication. Because that is exactly what a religious looking ceremony officiated by someone that identifies as an Orthodox rabbi does. And that is what happened at this ‘wedding’.