I don’t blame her. Shoshanna Keats-Jaskoll has written a post on Facebook saying that she is angrier than she has been in a long, long time. I am angry too.
The issue is about 3 American women who have contacted her about how to get out of a marriage they don’t want. The problems in those marriages range from abuse to manipulation by a husband who is a rabbi and has the support of other rabbis.
Her issue is not that these women are beyond help. She will obviously do everything she can to help them including connecting them to people that can help. If the conditions or those women are as she describes them, it is an outrage that any human being would side with a manipulative husband – let alone fellow rabbis who are supposed to serve the whole community and not just their fellow rabbis.
To be fair, there are always 2 sides to every story. So I am not here to judge any side here. Nor do I know what the exact circumstances of each case are - that might mitigate their claims.
That said, the fact is that they want out of their marriages. And the refusal of their husbands to grant them a divorce (which I assume is the case here) is unconscionable. They are being forced to live their lives in ways that most of us would never accept. And in cases of abuse - may even put their lives and the lives of their children (if there are any) in danger.
What if there are young children involved? It is rather well known that children from broken homes suffer greatly. Even if there were no custody battles. It can affect their school work and their social relationships. In some cases it can cause depression and among some of those eventually leading them to going OTD. Or even suicide in some of the more serious cases of depression..
Parents that end up hating each other can permanently damage the lives of their children and inhibit positive human relationships. Which of course does not help their marriage prospects.
But an abusive relationship between husband and wife can be just as damaging – if no more so. A child that sees constant strife between parents or worse, one parent abusing the other – physical or emotional – will take its toll on the child. So as bad as divorce might be, staying in a abusive relationship is worse.
Which is why I too am angry at the circumstances these women face. If your wife wants out of the marriage – let her go!
Unfortunately this is not a new problem. These women refer to themselves as Agunos - chained to a marriage with no legal recourse that can force their husband to give them a Get (Halachic divorce).
The Agunah problem has been around a long time and has in recent years caused some truly horrific situations for these women. In Jewish law, a woman cannot give her husband a Get. A man must give his wife a Get. If he refuses there is little anyone can do about it. Other than put social pressure on him.
Now it is true that women can refuse to accept a Get which means their husbands are technically still married to them. And those men may not get married either. But that is only because of an over 1000 year old tradition established by Rabbenu Gershom prohibiting more than one wife.
A man can find ways to get around that. But a woman can’t. If she wants to re-marry - it is impossible to do so in any Halachic way. Doing so would violate one of the most serious prohibitions in the Torah. Any children form that marriage would be considered Mamzerim. If on the other hand a man remarries even without the ‘work-around’ of Heter Meah Rabbanim (a Halachic procedure that is beyond the scope of this post) the children from that marriage would be perfectly fine.
It is easy to see why women (and fair-minded men) are upset by this Halacha. It is hard to imagine a Halacha more unfair to human sensibilities of fairness and justice than this one. Which is why I am in favor of doing whatever we can to eliminate the scourge of Agunos in our day.
But I part company with Mrs. Jaskoll on blaming ‘OU, RCA, BDA, Agudah and every single rabbi and organization and person who sees him/herself as part of the Jewish establishment’.
While I do agree that there are some rabbis and Batei Din (religious courts) that are corrupt and have caused great harm to women suffering as Agunos, it is unfair to place a blanket blame on the Jewish Establishment. I can’s speak for all of the organizations she mentioned. Or even for one of them. But to place blame on people that I know care about these things is unfair and wrong in my view.
I think I understand why she feels this way. There are a lot of Agunos that have petitioned these organizations or rabbis for help and they didn’t really get any. But I am also convinced that it wasn’t for a lack of caring or trying. I know many rabbis belonging to all those organizations who care deeply about this issue. And they do try to help in ways that are Halachcily feasible. What they can’t do is make up new Halacha for that purpose. Because that would lead to serious violations with the potential to negatively affect their offspring for many generations to come.
As unfair as the Hilchos Gittin (laws of divorce) seem to be there is often nothing anyone can really do about it .And it is not for a lack of trying.
In one rather famous attempt Rabbi Emmanuel Rackman tried using a Halachic principle mentioned in the Gemarah to annul marriages. Which would have obviated the need for a Get.
That was universally condemned by all Poskim. (The reasons for which are also beyond the scope of the post.) There was nevertheless a court set up a while back that used the ‘loophole’ anyway. Some of those women remarried and had children. Those children are considered Mamzerim by virtually all Poskim. This is not a positive solution to the Agunah problem.
In another rather infamous case a few Charedi rabbis were successful in getting recalcitrant husbands to grant their wives a Get. It was done by hiring a couple of thugs to kidnap and torture them until they they declared they would willingly give their wives a Get. I believe those rabbis are now in prison.
Is this a proper way to ‘level the playing field’? Not in my book. It might surprise people to know that I am against kidnapping and torture. A divorce obtained in this way is in any event controversial and may not have even been valid.
Despite the rather famous quote by Orthodox feminist pioneer, Blu Greenburg, there is not always Halachic way – even if there is a rabbinic will! Much as I wish there were – at least to solve this problem.
Rather than blaming these organizations for not doing enough, it would in my view be a much better approach to work with them towards the common goal of preventing this problem from ever happening in the future. As the RCA pre-nuptial agreement attempts to do.