The Right Education for My Child

While this should be obvious to most of us, I am convinced that a lot of parents don’t even think about it. Even among those that do, they might seek an opinion from a rabbi whose Hashkafos do not necessarily match their own. This happens a lot in mainstream Orthodoxy. If you are a member of a Shul whose rabbi is a beloved charismatic figure, he might be asked by a member with young children where he thought you should send your child. 

If he is Charedi (which is becoming more prevalent in Orthodox Shuls) his answer will be sincere but might not have anything to do with your Hashkafos or what kind of Jewish education you believe is best for your child. He could easily just tell you send to a School where his own Charedi Hashkafos are taught. Not that he is doing anything wrong, underhanded, or nefarious. It is just that he really believes his values to be the truest to the Torah.

It has been my experience that this choice whether it made without too much thought or based on advice from a beloved rabbi has led to a lot of children not following in the footsteps of their parents. No matter what kind of values they want to instill in their children, the majority of their day will be spent in a school whose values are not the same as yours.  

In cases where the Rebbeim (Torah teachers) are all Charedi and teaching our children year after year in elementary school - that is almost a guarantee that it will be those values that will eventually be adopted by a child. Not because they are old enough to make those decisions. But because the schools they attend beyond elementary school will have the same Hashkafos and will continue until they are old enough. That is clearly the most likely outcome.

Most parents will accept those results even though they may not fully agree with them. The trend in Orthodoxy is in that direction anyway. And a lot of the parents (most probably)  in those schools actually have those Hashkafos in the first place. For those that don’t, they just learn to live with it. They still love their children very much. I believe there re a lot of parents like that. Parents that would have been happier to see their children have a Jewish education more in line with their Hashkafos and the values based on them.

But they chose a school by believing that it is better to send them to a school that is to their right than too their left,or because of the influence of their rabbi - despite his having values different than their own.

What are these Charedi values? In short they are based on something called Daas Torah. Which literally means the wisdom of the Torah. The fact is that the wisdom of the Torah is what we all must follow. The question is how we determine what that really is. In our day that term has been co-opted by the Charedi world and interpreted as following a group of rabbinic leaders they call the Gedolim. Rabbis universally recognized as highly knowledgeable in Torah. 

The problem with that is that not all rabbinic leaders agree on what Daas Torah really is. Especially when it comes to educating our young. What exactly does that  means in our day? It does not  matter to the Charedi world what anyone but what their own as  Gedolim say. Making matters worse there is a phenomenon we all all familiar with called ‘moving to the right’. This phenomenon is most extant in the Charedi world. 

If a school is oriented that way, and they see others schools adopting certain values, they will often adopt them too. Not  necessarily because there is any intrinsic Torah values in it. But because other schools to their right have adopted them. Values that on the surface make sense to their Hashkafos. Like spending more of their day - and their year - studying Torah. So if a school wants to maintain their credentials as Charedi, they will follow suit and do what other schools have done.

What about their parent body? Does their opinion matter? Not really. Why?  I have heard this dismissive common response made many times rabbinic and lay leaders of such schools: ‘What does a parent know about Daas Torah?!’ ‘It doesn’t really matter what they think.’ ‘All that matters is Daas Torah.’ Which they see as the ultimate will of God.  If a parent doesn’t agree they can send their kids to one of the other non Charedi schools (which they look down upon as inferior or Krum - meaning that they have a warped Hashkafa).

The problem with that ‘opition’ is that it is totally unrealistic. You can’t pull out a child from a school where all of their friends are; a school they are familiar with in all its facets... and send them to a place they won’t recognize; whose curriculum environment that is so different than what they are used to and whose students are unfamiliar to them. that it can severely traumatize to a child, hinder his progress, and even go OTD. Besides, why would they want to send their child to a school they have been indoctrinated to believe their Hashkafos are Krum?

For those parents that are Charedi and believe in the concept of Charedi DaasTorah... they might just object to some of the particulars added to those schools for very good reasons. The would never consider a non Charedi school. They are bascialy told to love it or leave it. But they will neither love it or leave it. too are told to love it or leave it. 

What  a wide disparity between the Hashkafos of the home and the Hashkafos of the school can easily produce is an increase in a child going OTD.  When new and difficult rules are implemented over the already difficult old ones - it is not stretch to believe this can be a result.

The long school day for boys is very long and very intense.  The trend is towards increasing both not only the expansion of the school day – but the school year too. The current thinking in the Charedi world is that Torah study should be maximized as much as humanly possible. Free time or vacations should be minimized since it is otherwise considered Bitul Torah (a waste of orah study time). l

The belief is that the boys can handle it – just like so many other boys in schools like that where these new conditions have already implemented. They look not only to their right. They look Eastward as well. Seeing the Israeli Charedi model as the ideal. This means the ultimate abandonment of Limudei Chol (secular studies) - seen as a form of Bitul Torah. This is the direction the Charedi world is going. And Charedi Israel is their model. I am not talking about Chasidic schools. I am talking about many mainstream Charedi schools of the Lithuanian variety.

Is this what parents looking into a school for their child want? Even if they are Charedi? I suppose that some do, But I’ll bet that a lot of them don’t and still prefer what was once considered the norm for a Yeshiva education – even a Charedi one.

My guess is that a lot of parents don’t even realize this trend is happening. But they should.

I believe that Charedi parents ought to start thinking for themselves and look to other schools with a more traditional approach to a religious education. This does not mean going to the left or sending a child to a coed school – even if it is Orthodox. But that is not the only other choice. 

There are schools that actually have the values that many parents in those schools have and yet still send their children to a school to their religious right.  They may eventually be happy with their choice. But not because their children have adopted their values. But because those children are loved and still love their family. Those values have not changed. They are good people that have become well adjusted to their life choices.

Meanwhile there are children that simply cannot hack it in those schools.  Because the very trend towards excellence in Torah studies is the same trend that a lot of young students are not capable of handling. They are the ones that fall though the cracks. And this new trend will surely increase that. 

Parents need to consider all of that and not just look to their right…or rely on rabbis whose views mirror those of the right wing schools.

What about a parent that want their children to be Charedi - but would also like them to have a decent secular education and a more ore less normal school day and school year? And do not believe in the long extended hours spent daily in the classroom or the extend school year? 

I believe they too can be happy in a school that caters to both the right and the left. A school whose philosophy is “Chanoch L’Naar Al Pi Darko’ educate the child according to his personal ability.

A child can go to a school like that and remain influenced primarily by their parents’ values. The school will not contradict them.  If they want their children to be Charedi – they probably will be. Such schools have Charedi role models as well as non Charedi ones.The values they learn in the home plus those they learn in school will help them make moire informed choices in life. Sometimes those choices will be to the right of a parent and sometimes to the left. But they informed choices.

I therefore urge parents not to follow the crowd and instead to choose a school wisely based mostly on how your values will be treated by the school. Will they be ignored or will they be considered? That is the question that should be uppermost in the mind of a parent before deciding which school to send a child to. Because once the decision is made. It might be too difficult to change upon the experiencing disappointing results